Finding strength in the in-between, where honesty meets hope.
I feel like crap. Seriously.
I’m not supposed to write that; it’s not uplifting or encouraging, but it is true. I want to believe — and I want my readers to believe — that I have it all together. But I wonder: Am I doing the same thing with my writing that I condemn influencers for — presenting all their perfect pictures of their perfect family, their perfect house, and their perfect dog?”
Am I painting a picture with my words that leads others to believe that I’ve conquered the feelings that come with abandonment, that I’ve forgiven all the hurt, worked hard, and now my life is a bed of roses?
In my writing, I’ve shared some of my most painful moments and darkest days, I can tell my gut-wrenching story to anyone as if it didn’t happen to me. Does that make me vunerable?
I’ve learned, especially in the last decade, that vulnerability is where healing begins. Pretending to have it all figured out is exhausting — and, frankly, a lie.
In my marriage, I lived in a perpetual state of denial — but I wouldn’t have called it denial. It was a state of cognitive dissonance — I smiled and behaved in a way that was becoming to a pastor’s wife, but my internal voice did not align. So, I prayed everyday that not only my life, but our lives would improve.
I prayed that he would love me, that he would be the father our children deserved. I was taught a Christ-like woman is supposed to “… submit [herself] to [her] own husband so that…he may be won over without words by [her] behaior. ~I Peter 3:1
I remember the day he told me he didn’t love me anymore, and he added, “You don’t love me either.” Confused, I argued that I did. He said, “No you don’t. You’ve been praying for me to change since we got married.”
If you were ever deep in an unhealthy religious circle, you know what it feels like to be told something that intentionally destabilizes, confuses and/or manipulates your mind.
For me, toxic positivity became the answer. Falling into the trap of always trying to look strong, like I had it all together, and it wasn’t very hard back in the day — it became a bad habit, if you will. One in which I pretended everything was okay rather than dealing with a situation. It was also viewed as very godly attitude — one of belief of what God will do.
I have learned that bad habits are hard to break and healing isn’t about pretending to be okay all of the time.
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