Overcoming fear is possible at any age
Women (and men) watch movies about women who live in fear like Laura Burney in Sleeping With the Enemy or the mentally abused woman in fear of losing her mind like Paula in the movie Gaslight, and ask, “Why did they put up with that? I never would.”
We all like to imagine ourselves as a badass, kick-butt woman like Charlize Theron’s, Furiosa in Mad Max: Fury Road, rescuing a harem of enslaved women from their captors – but that isn’t how fear works, and most of us aren’t trained assassins.
Fear is hard to face, and this is especially true in a gray divorce. After decades of marriage, the fear of change, loneliness, financial insecurity, or emotional dependency can keep many from walking away, even when they know the relationship is destroying us. Facing your fears and breaking free isn’t just about physically leaving — it’s about untangling emotional, financial, and psychological bonds built over decades.
Fear is different for different people, yet we all understand it. If I say, “I’m afraid,” you might answer, “Of what”, because the only thing different is what we are afraid of.
Fear resulting from a long-term relationship ending later in life often looks different than those who divorced at a younger age. Years of emotional and/or psychological abuse leave many of us at the point where our self-worth is intertwined with our spouse’s approval. When we lack that approval, fear ensues. We need him/her to be happy.
Experts define fear in three main categories: rational, irrational, and primal. For those going through a gray divorce, the fear can feel primal — a deep-seated terror of losing one’s identity after decades of being tied to another person.
Flight or fight
We’ve all heard the common expression “flight or fight,” but what does it mean?
According to WebMD, “Fight or flight is a well-known stress response that occurs when hormones are released in your body, prompting you to stay and fight or run and flee danger. If your body perceives itself to be in trouble, your system will work to keep you alive.”
What does not seem to be as well-known by the general public are the freeze and fawn responses. Particularly for those who have been married for years, these lesser-known responses are just as critical to understand.
What is a freeze response?
Freezing is a response to stress or fear in which you feel stuck or frozen in place. For example, many women who have been raped say that they were “too scared to move” or they were “paralyzed with fear.”
Noel McDermott, a psychotherapist interviewed by Global News, says that “Freeze is much more common as a response to terror like being raped than fight of flight is.”
The freeze response is a residual survival mechanism dating back to the days when we were the prey. Freezing makes prey invisible to many predators and playing dead means that the predator will release their prey.
It doesn’t make rational sense considering the rapist is not a lion, but because fear hormones have reached a high level, the amygdala takes over.
The fear takes over to the point that you are not only paralyzed but can’t scream or say “no”. Unfortunately, this inability to take action is often perceived by rapists, judges, and juries as consent (Global News).
“I was always the girl who said, ‘If a man tries that on me, I’m going to kick him where it hurts and run away.’ But in that actual situation, a fear overcomes you and you feel powerless. I was so shocked he could do such a thing, it just freezes you.” — Anonymous
Similarly, in an abusive or emotionally destructive marriage, you freeze because you feel trapped, unable to see a way out. It’s like a horse that’s fed and sheltered in a barn—even if that barn’s on fire, it might not leave. Fear and confusion can make it run right back into the flames. For so many, staying feels safer than stepping into the unknown.
Years of subtle control or manipulation can make it hard to even imagine leaving. The thought of starting over or facing loneliness at an older age can freeze someone in place, leaving them feeling “paralyzed with fear” much like a deer in the headlights. A paralysis that often leads to years of staying in a bad marriage, not because it’s a conscious choice, but because fear has taken over.
What is the fawn response?
Fawn is a natural bodily reaction used after an unsuccessful fight, flight, or freeze attempt. Typically, this response is one that comes from those who grew up in abusive families or situations.
“The fawn response is your body’s emotional reaction that involves becoming highly agreeable to the person abusing you.”- WebMD
In this response, your instinct encourages you to “soothe your abuser”. Sometimes, a person who is neglected or ignored as a child finds that being helpful and agreeable is their only way to survive. When this person ends up in an abusive relationship, they do what comes natural to them. It is their normal and rarely seen as abuse.
Fawn Responses in Long-Term Marriages
Fawning is a particularly relevant response for those who have spent decades in an emotionally manipulative marriage. Fawning involves becoming overly agreeable, constantly soothing the abuser or toxic partner to keep the peace. For many older women, especially those raised in generations where divorce was stigmatized by their communities or religion, the instinct to preserve the marriage at all costs can run deep.
In my situation and those of many in my community, we were not aware that we were “fawning.” By minimizing our needs and deferring to our husbands, we thought we were keeping peace in the home. In truth, at least for me, I realized over time that arguing/discussing was senseless because he couldn’t hear me. So, I soothed.
Why do we respond in these ways?
The responses of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn are ways that the body uses to protect us from real or perceived threats. The reactions are involuntary and an attempt to help us either eliminate or escape the danger, or at the very least, survive.
All fear responses are controlled by the part of the brain called the amygdala (NIH.gov). It makes decisions on which strategy to use in a dangerous situation, without your conscious choice. It literally takes over the executive functions of decision-making.
Because of this, you should not feel guilty or blame yourself for the way your body responded to an assault – emotional or physical. It did the best that it could under the circumstances. Comfort yourself with that knowledge, and remember that there is NO shame in seeking help to resolve your feelings and regain your power.
Four ways to cope
The fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses could save someone’s life. However, sometimes a person may find themselves experiencing these responses frequently because of regularly occurring stressful/abusive events.
It is important to remove yourself from toxic environments — they will take a toll on your emotional, mental, and physical health. If that is not possible at the moment, make a plan and begin to execute it. Medical News Today offers four ways to cope with the effects of the stress response.
1.Move to a safe place – Even Temporarily
If possible, remove yourself from the toxic environment, even if it’s just for a short time. Whether that means visiting a friend, staying with family, or finding a temporary living arrangement, creating physical distance can help clear your mind and assess your situation from a new perspective.
2. Slowing breathing
When we are stressed, we tend to take fast shallow breaths. Deep, deliberate breathing can help calm the body’s stress response. Try breathing deep from your belly, hold it for five seconds, and then release when you are feeling particularly overwhelmed. There are many videos on YouTube that teach breathing exercises to reduce stress. It might sound simplictic, but it saved me from more than one panic attack.
3. Engage in Physical Activity
Movement is not only good for your body but can also help alleviate stress. Whether it’s walking, yoga, or light exercise, staying physically active helps redirect anxious energy and provides mental clarity.
4. Seek Support from Trusted Friends or Professionals
Going through a gray divorce can feel isolating and support is crucial. Reach out to friends, family, or a professional therapist who can help you navigate the emotional complexities of this phase of life. If you are financially dependent or fear being alone, talking to someone who understands the challenges of gray divorce can provide you with strategies for rebuilding your life. If you can’t afford professional help, google agencies in your area that help with abuse and other traumas.
Concluding thoughts
The fight, flight, freeze, and fawn responses enables a person to cope with perceived threats, but they often become our default in long-term toxic marriages.
Fight, flight, freeze, or fawn are not right or wrong choices. There is nothing moral or immoral about the way your body chooses to protect you. Remember, your amygdala took over – these are all natural reactions.
If you feel that a past experience is having a lasting effect on the way you respond to real or perceived threats, please seek help from a qualified mental health professional. There are things you can do to reverse the response and address its impact on your life and the way you respond to fearful situations. If your experiences are weighing heavily on you and shaping how you respond to real or perceived threats, seeking professional guidance is not just helpful, it’s essential.
No one, no matter their age, should have to live in fear.
Remember the characters Laura Burney and Paula? They found the strength to confront their fears, and it gave them their freedom. Freedom to live, breathe, experience life, and smile again. You can, too.
Thank you for joining me on this journey — let’s celebrate the smile lines we earn along the way.
https://brendakarl.substack.com
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