An art I excel at
Have you ever been in a crowded room, a party a church service, or a business meeting and wish you could vanish? Or even worse, being in a group of people and wanting to join in but you’re too afraid?
I know what you’re going through because I fight it every time I’m in a crowd or group. I was in my late twenties or early thirties when I found out why.
Another disorder to the list
I was in my late twenties or early thirties and still living at home. My parents had insisted. They wanted me to try another in a long line of Vocational Rehabilitation Programs.
Unlike the last time when we lived in Texas. The vocational rehab counselor I had in Florida did his job. I underwent a full battery of tests.
Out of all the symptoms and conditions they found one stood out in my mind. “ Avoidant Personality Disorder.” I later found a DSM and read the symptoms.
“ A mental health condition. Characterized by a pattern of social inhibition. Feelings of inadequacy, and hypersensitivity to negative evaluation.” DSM-5
Now, if that doesn’t describe me to a tee nothing does. I have also read that the person with AVPD wants to be social and have friends and the fact that he can’t destress him. That describes me as well.
I was a joy to be around as a teenager
I remember when I was in my preteens and early teenage years. I never left my bedroom unless I had to. I was more comfortable inside my head and reading my books. I didn’t want to be bothered with people, even if they were family.
I’m fortunate that the symptoms improved as I got older. I never did have close friends as a teenager, or as an adult. I don’t know how I do it.
I can make myself invisible, unobtrusive is the word I’m looking for
I can close myself off to the point that people don’t notice me at all. I’m at a family gathering or a company party and be invisible. It makes for a lousy time for me.
My demeanor makes the problem worse. By default, I have a mean-face. I always look angry. I have to tell myself to smile. I have learned to remind myself whenever I’m around people. “ Smile Lawson and make eye contact.”
People can adapt and make changes if they want to
This brings me to the main point of this story. AVDP has a life-long impact, but a person can adapt his behavior and lessen the symptoms.
I began to understand this after my parents passed away. It started with my internal dialog. My self-concept was poor. This is because of my other issues that caused me to be in Remedial classes when I was in school.
Standoffish, aloof, or stuck-up. Depends on who you asked
When I was young I never dated. Romantic Relationships involve vulnerability and I hated being vulnerable. I had no clue how to be social with women.
Looking back, I see where I could have had relationships. I always sabotaged my chances. I would be by turns rude, boorish, or standoffish. Most of the time I was awkward and shy.
I burst out of my shell with a vengeance
Some folks need a nudge to change and escape their comfort zones. I wasn’t nudged, The death of my uncle and roommate pushed me out the door.
After my uncle died, I worked slept, and watched TV. For the first time in my life, I had to do my grocery shopping and cook my meals. I was digging it, but for the first time in my life, I was lonely enough to look for a relationship. I had no clue how to proceed, so I started answering personal ads.
It was easier than I thought it would be, I can be quite engaging, who knew?
I’m adverse to change and I find it hard to let people get too close. Dating surprised me. I found out that I’m capable of being a good conversationalist and I can smile.
Here it is ten years later and I’m married to a woman I met on Facebook. We were married on September the tenth twenty-seventeen.
I decided to change and I did it. I am writing my script now
I mastered the art of disappearing. I did it for a long time without conscience thought. It was who I was.
I am who I choose to be. In the past, I programmed myself and allowed friends and family to program me. I decided I didn’t need to believe the garbage.
It’s a struggle, growth involves pain, but I’m getting there. It’s never too late to break the chains.
Final Thought:
If you’re not happy and fulfilled you need to look inward. Are you living your life or the life you’re programmed to live? Reformat your brain. Quit believing the lies you have been hearing your whole life.
Smile, look people in the eyes, and talk to them. Stop hiding in your crib, break the chains of loneliness. No one can do it for you.
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