The Digitalmehmet Content Ecosystem

It explains so much

I’m excited, I enjoy going to church. I love the people and I enjoy the music. I try hard to be happy and enthusiastic. It doesn’t take long for things to change.

I get overwhelmed. I have two choices. I can get to the point where I’m about to scream, or I can shut myself down. I shut down. My wife tries to talk to me, but I can’t understand her words. I hear her, but I can’t process what she’s saying.

I hang in there, I do my best to have a good time, but I’m exhausted by the time I get home and sleep through the first football game. Church isn’t the only event. All social situations are difficult.

I thought it was because I was shy and awkward, and I am, but there’s an underlying issue that I’m recently discovering. When I was homeless in Minneapolis, I was under the care of a Psychotherapist.

toward the end of a session, she asked, “ Do you have trouble picking up social cues?” I told her I didn’t know what she was talking about. The question has been rattling in my brain for years.

recently, I came across an online assessment for Autism. I took the test and the results were confident that I’m on the Autism spectrum. The more I research, the more convinced I am that it’s true.

I wasn’t always as self-aware as I am now. I’m better at catching myself before I say or do inappropriate things. I lost track of how often I would be around other people and end up standing by myself after an offhand remark from me that put a damper on everything.

I avoid parties and get-togethers, I tend to stand or sit alone. If someone feels bad for me or takes pity, they might approach me and try to get me out of my shell, with varying success.

If there’s alcohol involved, I solve all the problems by getting trashed, loud, and obnoxious. That doesn’t solve anything at all. The problem is, that I knew on some level that I had a problem, but I didn’t know how to deal with it. I turned sixty-five yesterday. I finally decided to accept myself and to try to overcome my issues.

I found out that I can change. I was single and alone for a long time. I’m married now, and it never ceases to amaze me that I’m maintaining a relationship. It’s not easy, but I’m doing it.

I have to accept that I have a problem and need help. I’m there now. I will explore getting help and I will write about what I discover. I look forward to sharing what I learned.

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