Quiet down before I scream
I was a teenager, and I was sitting across from my dad or standing in front of him. I got caught or ratted out for breaking a rule or rules. My dad, being the old soldier he was was giving me an ass-chewing. I hated ass-chewing because It was worse than the spankings I got when I was younger.
I would shut my dad out, and that angered him more
I didn’t do it on purpose, if I knew at the time how to turn it on or off at will I would have done it. I zoned out my dad. He was ranting and raving. My body was there, but I was miles away.
The funny, or not-so-funny thing. My dad knew it was happening, and it got him madder than he already was. Neither of us understood that I might not have been able to help it.
The question she asked still bugs me
A few years ago, I was homeless in Minneapolis, Minnesota. I had State Insurance that paid for weekly visits to a psychotherapist. During a session out of the blue, she asked, Do you have trouble picking up social cues?”
I was perplexed by the question and answered that I didn’t know what she was talking about. Years later, I read a story on Medium about Autism. In the story, there was a link to an online assessment. I was curious, so I took the test.
I have a lot of the behaviors
The results of the test showed that there was a high probability that I’m Autistic. Since I took the test, I have been researching Autism. It has been enlightening.
Too much stimulation is a problem for me
“Sensory Integration Dysfunction is a symptom of Autism. Too much sensory input short-circuits my brain. I almost turned into a crying and blubbering idiot because the noise around me was too much.
It’s been a source of frustration my whole life. I’m at a gathering. I want to make friends, but I shut down and often end up standing in a corner with a scowl.
Beware of Lawson’s evil twin; he’s not nice
If alcohol is being served, God help us all. Booze is a social lubricant, but it also can awaken an introvert’s secret twin. The booze subdues the Autism. It turns me into a monster who spends weeks apologizing after the party’s over.
I learned to leave the booze alone. If I go to a gathering, I stick to myself. I’m as friendly as I’m able to be if someone approaches me. I’m more likely to stand with my back against the wall. I’ll grab something to eat and leave as soon as possible.
It’s never the same, but I’m always a little off and off-putting
It must be confusing for other people at the gatherings. It depends on my alienation level at the time. Sometimes I can smile and be friendly, but there are other times when I look like I’m about to start shooting.
I have a resting mean face, and that makes things worse. I have to tell myself to keep smiling. Otherwise, I scare people away. If you see me or someone like me at a social gathering I have some suggestions.
If you see me at a gathering, or someone like me, I have suggestions
When I’m miserable at a gathering. I sometimes appreciate it if someone approaches me and starts a conversation. If I’m too agitated, I might be rude and standoffish. That’s on me. It doesn’t hurt to try to draw me out.
What you shouldn’t do is judge. We can’t all be the life of the party, and some of us feel bad because we can’t enjoy ourselves. Try not to lose respect for us wallflowers. We don’t mean to be rude.
Fitting in anywhere is problematic, but new jobs are the worst
It’s not just social occasions. New jobs have always been a problem. I don’t adapt to change well. Fitting in at a new job or adapting to changes at a current job is stressful for me.
My wife loves to change things around, I, do not
Not liking it when things change also affects my marriage. My wife likes to rearrange things. She likes to change the contents of the shelves in her kitchen. It’s her kitchen; she has the right to rearrange it. But the change drives me crazy.
I can’t find anything, and I have to take time to look for stuff. It bothers me when she rearranges the bedroom. It’s always fine the way it is, but she has to upend everything for no reason.
Once I get used to the change, I’m fine, but that still doesn’t make the change necessary
The funny thing is, once I got used to the changes she made, I liked them. On the job when changes are made, I’ll piss and moan, but after a few weeks, I’m fine.
Despite my challenges, I was a good worker. As I grew up I was the go-to son for the shit-details and hard jobs. I was counted on to keep the dishes washed and the lawns mowed.
I learned how to work and work hard, but fitting in was always a problem, though
I set the pattern with my first job. I was a dishwasher when I was in high school. On every job where I didn’t get fired during the first week or first day. I usually stuck around for a few years and became a valuable employee. Most of the time I wasn’t given the chance.
I need peace to function. Too much chaos shuts me down. I try to write when my wife is asleep or busy. She loves her TV loudly. I can’t disrupt her life so I try to work around it.
Too much time on my hands, maybe I’m worrying over nothing
I have had many challenges and setbacks in my life. I’m older now, and I have free time to look back on my past and try to make sense of things. The possibility that I’m on the Autism spectrum makes more sense than anything else I’ve read.
I will keep reading and researching about Autism, and I will keep writing about it. I will find peace, and if I can’t find peace, I will find clarity. I turned sixty-five a few days ago. I’m finally finding out the truth about who I am.
Final Thought:
We all have limitations. We’re all broken in some way. It’s beneficial to look back on our pasts to attempt to understand why things happened the way they did. We can’t change anything, but maybe we can forgive ourselves and others.
Make peace with yourself. Don’t die in misery and regret.
I Googled “Autism in Adults” and Read My Life’s Story
It explains so muchmedium.com
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