I don’t know what to think
While I was cleaning out my Google Cloud storage, I came across the results of tests I underwent by a neuropsychologist and his team. I used my cellphone to photograph each page. I included the report in the paperwork I sent to apply for Disability.
I knew deep in my heart that Dyslexia wasn’t my problem
It’s been interesting reading, and it’s given me a lot to think about. The thing that jumped out at me yesterday was when I was re-reading the report. I grew up hearing my parents talk about my Dyslexia. I was nine years old when the doctors diagnosed me with a learning disability.
“ Such a profile of Academic performance is not consistent with a language-based learning disability such as Dyslexia.”
Excerpt from the report of the Neuropsychology tests
“What the Hell?” I thought, to hear my parents tell it, I had all the symptoms. They reinforced the thought. They blamed Dyslexia for every setback and failure of my adult life.
Never mind the fact that other Dyslexics have productive lives, my Dyslexia was worse, or some crap like that
It was the theme of my life growing up: “ You were born with Dyslexia and Brain Damage.” I grew so frustrated with it. I told my dad once, when I was in my twenties, “Not everything is about Dyslexia, Sometimes I f_ up like everyone else.”
I have heard other people talk about Learning Disabilities. “ I never let Dyslexia define me.” Well, isn’t that special? It was beaten into my psyche from the minute I started school.
Mom wasn’t forthcoming; she flat-out lied
Mom and Dad were holding out on me. One day, out of frustration. I asked my mom, “The Doctors must have diagnosed something other than Dyslexia. Other Dyslexics are successful, why am I having so much trouble? What did the Doctors tell you?”
“ I don’t remember,” my mom answered without looking me in the eyes. The only time I caught her in a lie. I was in my thirties at the time. At this point, it doesn’t make any difference.
I ask myself, “What difference does it make?”
I try to put it in perspective. If I had known the extent of the cognitive issues I was born with, would I have given up? What should I have done? All I wanted was to have gainful employment and a family of my own. I never achieved those goals.
The thought of giving up never entered my mind. I was driven to work hard to show others I wasn’t feeble-minded and lazy. I also wanted to prove it to myself.
If I had known the truth, would things have been different?
If I knew the truth, what would I have done differently? I don’t know, but I suspect the knowledge would have been a crutch. I learned to work hard and never quit. If I had been quieter I would have ended up where the doctors said I should be, in an institution.
Hopes and dreams are powerful. Would I have accepted it if I knew for sure that I wouldn’t get to where I dreamed of being? Would I have muddled through life waiting for death?
In the past, I looked back and wondered what might have been, but what if it was never meant to be, to begin with? I’m not stupid. I have a writing talent. I proved that I’m a good communicator, and my growing YouTube channel has established that.
Better late than never, I guess
Why did it take so long to figure this out? The plan is not to worry about the timing. I am grateful I discovered my writing talent, and I’m grateful for Medium and Illumination. The Illumination Publication and the Medium Platform have given me an outlet.
The question was, “Did a Wrong Diagnosis of Dyslexia hold me back?” I’m not sure it did. I’m also not sure what path I could have chosen that would have led to a fulfilled life.
I knew deep down, Dyslexia wasn’t the whole story
I was diagnosed with Dyslexia at a young age. As I grew older, I had the nagging feeling that Dyslexia wasn’t the reason for my dysfunction. I found out years later that my feelings were correct.
Knowing the truth has no practical benefit. I’m on disability and will never get fired from a job again. The information has given me a certain amount of peace, but I can’t help feeling angry and bitter.
I have a lot of time now to do what makes me happy
I’m not proud of that, but I always try to be honest when I write. There is a bright side. I have more time to write and make videos. My content entertains and helps people. It took a lifetime, but I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing.
My past has helped me be productive in the present, and I provide value for people, so it’s all good.
Final Thought:
It’s hard to get out of the box life puts you in. Your hopes and dreams. Life thwarts your dreams every chance it gets. Never lose hope. Keep trying to find your way and do what you can to be happy. If God wills it, you will get to where you’re supposed to be.
Mom and Dad Held Out on Me, but What Difference Does It Make?
Questions without answersmedium.com
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