As a child, I recall my friend of a similar age, saying how she thought I didn’t know whether to forgive someone or not. I didn’t understand what she meant at the time. I assumed she was referring to those childhood fallout’s we all had as kids, where you don’t talk to each other for ages.
But what she observed has stayed with me forever, and the fact that I still remember this today means that it resonated strongly with me. What my friend observed is true. But it’s not that I can’t or don’t forgive — on the contrary, I’m keen to forgive and forget, and often the first to do so — but with a caveat. 👇📖
It’s Not About Forgiveness — It’s Understanding What’s Harmful
You see, it’s not about forgiving itself — but about forgetting harm and negative emotions stored in memory, unless it’s safe to do so. When harm resurfaces, it’s not safe, and this feeling is embodied, as Bessel Van De Kolk, writes about in his book “The Body Keeps The Score”. Having analysed my DNA traits, I can see why this happens to me. It’s not that I’ve suddenly change my mind, but that harm resurfaces in a way that doesn’t feel safe – so I “update” my forgiveness. It doesn’t mean I’ve change my mind on a whim about forgiving somebody, it means “new evidence” to the contrary appears. Read the full story here: 👇📖
It’s Not About Forgiveness — It’s Understanding What’s Harmful
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