Breaking free from unrealistic expectations
Photo Credit: Debbie Clark Art @ debbieclarkart.com
Perfectionism, we’re told, doesn’t exist. But, as a woman over 50 navigating life after a 30-year marriage ended, I know this isn’t true.
Society whispers a unique set of expectations to women like me: stay young, remain relevant, move on gracefully—and, of course, never forget to stay sexy.
Societal pressure to achieve perfection isn’t new — it’s deeply rooted in our culture and even in our myths — but it can be overcome.
According to the biblical story of creation, the first woman and man to exist were Eve and her partner, Adam. They lived in a garden where everything was perfect — their health, relationship, and surroundings. These two perfect humans lived in a perfect environment where they lacked for nothing.
Their health was perfect. They only ate a vegan diet and all their food was organic.
They had no worries like the ones you and I bear. They had no need for money; everything was provided for them. As such, they also had the perfect relationship.
To top it off, every evening, they took an after-dinner stroll with the Maker of the Universe.
I mean, what could go wrong?
Apparently, they weren’t the only ones in the garden, and we all know it only takes one troublemaker to send the world to hell in a handbasket.
As the story goes, Eve is so beautiful she doesn’t even wear clothes. There was nothing to hide.
I can only imagine that she was also intelligent, kind, and confident.
There is no suggestion in this early account of Eve being “less” than Adam. She was not his servant; she was his equal.
She had no Instagram, Tiktok, or other social media to tell her how she should look, what she should wear, or what behaviors were expected of her.
There are no other women around to suggest she lose a pound or two, change her hair color, or whiten her teeth. There was no one to whom she could compare herself.
She is in a perfect mental place when the garden’s troublemaker suggests to Eve, the perfect woman, that she should try a certain fruit that was off-limits.
She casually name drops when she replies to the troublemaker, “Well, I visit with the Maker of the Universe every evening, and she says it’s the one thing in the garden we should stay away from.”
Troublemakers always have an answer, and this one is no different.
He says, “You know, the only reason she doesn’t want you to eat this fruit is because she knows it will make you as good as her.”
Eve, clearly startled, asks, “What do you mean?”
“Well,” the troublemaker is getting a little excited now as he stirs the pot, “She knows everything, and you don’t. If you eat it, you’ll be as good as her, and she doesn’t want that.”
So, the perfect woman now sees herself as imperfect, not good enough, not smart enough, and not pretty enough. She eats the fruit so that she will be.
In modern vernacular, she drank the kool-aid.
Eve’s world may seem distant, but her story echoes in ours. The troublemaker’s lie—’You’re not enough’—has evolved into a chorus that surrounds us every day, from social media to societal norms.
It’s in our DNA
For centuries, women have absorbed a message about what they should look like, how they should think, speak, and behave. Every generation has a different theme, but the message is always the same — women are inadequate.
I’d love to blame it all on the Adams in the world, but ladies, we must be truthful.
I’ve heard women say that they dress to please other women more than themselves or their significant others. I mean, my girlfriends are much more likely to compliment my new lipstick or shoes than any of my male friends.
The pressure to compare ourselves isn’t just anecdotal. Research confirms that women often dress to compete but not just for attention. “In fact, my colleagues and I found that women can be motivated by another factor: avoiding the slings and arrows of other women” (theconversation.com).
Women don’t want to be made fun of, looked down on, or perceived as “not good enough” by other women. The sad part is that modern day women are helping to perpetuate the lie that the troublemaker told Eve way back in the day.
It’s time to stop the madness
As an over 50 woman, when you look in the mirror, what do you see—flaws or or the strength of a woman rewriting her story after loss?
Ladies, you’ve lived enough to know this: perfection is a myth. Now is your chance to embrace authenticity. Let go of the need to look like someone you are not or to fit into a box you’ve outgrown.
When we believe that we are not enough, we give other people our power. In my experience, not feeling inadequate made me buy things that I didn’t need, wear things I didn’t like, and even allow abusive behaviors.
The troublemakers today may look different, but their message hasn’t changed. After a gray divorce, the pressure to conform and prove our self worth can feel overwhelming. Yet, the beauty of this stage is the chance to reclaim your narrative.
When you look into the mirror, choose to see the life you’ve built, the strength you’ve earned, and the beauty of authenticity.
Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around, thinking it will protect us, when in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight.” – Brene Brown
Let the troublemakers keep their lies. Your story isn’t about chasing perfection — it’s about reclaiming your power and owning the courage to be unapologetically yourself.
Thank you for joining me on this journey — let’s celebrate the smile lines we earn along the way.
https://brendakarl.substack.com
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