Here’s Why Good People Sometimes Cheat: What Neuroscience, Psychology, and Relationship Science Teach Us About Infidelity and Why These Perspectives Matter
Curator’s Note: This scholarly essay, written by Dr Michael Broadly, explores the complexities of infidelity through the lenses of neuroscience, psychology, and relationship science. It addresses common misconceptions that only immoral individuals cheat, emphasizing that even seemingly devoted partners can succumb to temptation due to various emotional and psychological factors. The article highlights how self-justification and the brain’s competing motivations contribute to infidelity, often stemming from unmet emotional needs or the search for validation. Notably, fidelity is presented as a psychological achievement requiring awareness and communication. Ultimately, understanding infidelity involves recognizing human complexity rather than labeling individuals, which can lead to healthier relationships.
Insights from My Scholarly Sexual Health Series: Biology and Pscyhology of Infidelity
G’day folks.
Welcome to my sexual health series. Today, I will talk about another important topic related to sexuality from various angles. I prefer to discuss this topic from scientific and psychological angles to give you some valuable perspectives.
Few topics generate stronger emotions than infidelity. Mention the subject at a family gathering, workplace lunch, community meeting, or neighborhood barbecue, and the atmosphere usually changes immediately.
During my observations, I noticed that opinions emerge, stories surface, and harsh judgments form. Everyone seems to know somebody who cheated. Many know somebody who was cheated on. Some have been tempted. Some have spent years wondering why it happened. Some have forgiven. Others never fully recovered.
What has always fascinated me is that nearly everyone approaches the infidelity discussion with certainty. People typically divide the world into two groups: Those who cheat and those who never would.
As someone who has spent decades studying human behavior, psychology, well-being, public health, and relationships, I have gradually become less confident in such neat categories.
One of the more uncomfortable lessons psychology teaches us is that human beings are poor judges of how they might behave under circumstances they have never experienced.
Many individuals who eventually become involved in affairs once held the same certainty. They loved their partners, valued loyalty, and believed infidelity was something other people did. Then life became complicated.
That observation does not excuse betrayal. Nor does it minimize the very real pain affairs can create. Relationships may end. Families may suffer. Children may carry emotional scars for years. Trust can take a long time to rebuild and sometimes never fully returns.
However, neuroscience, psychology, and relationship science suggest that understanding infidelity requires moving beyond simplistic assumptions. The goal is not to excuse behavior. The goal is to understand the remarkably complex human beings behind it.
One retired Australian mate once said something that made me laugh. “Mike, if humans were perfectly rational, half the songs ever written wouldn’t exist.” I suspect he was onto something.
For all our intelligence, education, technology, and social progress, human beings remain emotional creatures navigating ancient biological systems inside modern lives. And nowhere is that reality more evident than in matters of love, desire, attachment, validation, loneliness, and temptation.
The Myth That Only Bad People Cheat
From my perspective, the most common misconception surrounding infidelity is the belief that only selfish, immoral, or deeply flawed individuals engage in it. Research paints a far more nuanced picture.
People who become involved in affairs are often loving parents, devoted partners, respected professionals, community leaders, and individuals who never imagined themselves capable of such behavior.
That observation does not absolve anyone of responsibility. However, it reminds us that human beings cannot be neatly divided into heroes and villains.
Public health professionals learned long ago that understanding behavior requires more than assigning labels. We must examine motivations, vulnerabilities, emotional needs, environmental influences, relationship dynamics, and biological processes.
When viewed through this wider and broader lens, infidelity becomes less a story about bad people and more a story about human complexity.
The Stories We Tell Ourselves
One of the more fascinating findings from psychology is that human beings possess an extraordinary capacity for self-justification. Few people wake up one morning intending to betray a partner.
More commonly, behavior evolves gradually while the mind simultaneously constructs explanations that preserve a positive self-image.
An innocent conversation becomes emotional support. Emotional support becomes friendship. Friendship becomes intimacy. Intimacy becomes secrecy. At each stage, the individual focuses on the immediate situation rather than the overall trajectory.
This process does not necessarily involve conscious dishonesty. In many cases, it reflects the brain’s remarkable ability to explain behavior in ways that reduce internal conflict. Psychologists sometimes refer to this as cognitive dissonance reduction.
Most of us prefer to see ourselves as good people. Consequently, when our behavior begins to drift away from our values, the mind often works hard to make the discrepancy feel reasonable.
Understanding this tendency may be uncomfortable, but it is also useful. Self-awareness begins when we recognize that human vulnerability applies to us as well as to others.
The Brain Does Not Seem to Be Designed to Be Perfectly Logical
One of the most important insights from neuroscience is that the brain contains multiple systems that do not always share the same goals.
Some systems seek stability. Others seek novelty. Some seek security. Others seek excitement. Some seek attachment. Others respond strongly to uncertainty, anticipation, and reward.
From an evolutionary perspective, these competing motivations were not design flaws. They helped human beings adapt to changing environments. Yet they occasionally create internal conflicts.
A person may deeply love a long-term partner while still feeling attracted to someone else. Many people find this possibility uncomfortable. Yet neuroscience suggests that attachment and attraction are not identical processes.
Understanding this reality does not justify harmful actions. It simply helps explain why temptation exists even within otherwise healthy relationships.
Dopamine, Novelty, and the Excitement of the New
One of the most discussed neurochemicals in neuroscience is dopamine. Popular media often describes dopamine as the brain’s pleasure chemical. In my opinion, that description misses much of the story.
From what I learned in science school decades ago and from follow-up studies in the last few years, dopamine appears to be more strongly associated with anticipation, motivation, curiosity, learning, and reward-seeking behavior.
For example, novel experiences trigger stronger dopamine responses than familiar ones. This fact may help explain why new romantic interests can feel extraordinarily exciting.
The excitement does not necessarily reflect deeper compatibility. Nor does it reliably predict long-term happiness. Instead, it often reflects how the brain responds to novelty itself.
One reason affairs can feel so compelling is that the nervous system does not automatically distinguish between excitement and compatibility. What feels profound in the early stages of attraction may sometimes reflect novelty, uncertainty, and anticipation rather than genuine long-term suitability.
As I occasionally tell readers, the nervous system can behave a bit like a child wandering through a lolly shop. Unfortunately, adulthood requires us to make decisions that extend beyond momentary excitement.
When Loneliness Exists Inside Relationships
One of the most surprising findings from relationship research is that many affairs begin long before anyone removes a single item of clothing. They usually begin with conversations.
Some individuals involved in affairs report feeling emotionally disconnected long before physical intimacy occurred. They describe feeling unseen, unheard, unappreciated, lonely, or emotionally neglected.
Perhaps most surprisingly, some describe experiencing these feelings while living beside someone they genuinely loved. For example, one woman once shared a statement that has remained with me for years. “I didn’t fall in love with another man. I fell in love with being noticed.”
Her words capture something relationship science increasingly recognizes. Human beings possess powerful needs for validation, attention, emotional safety, appreciation, and connection.
Sometimes the Affair Is Not About the Other Person
One observation I have repeatedly encountered throughout my career is that attraction is not always primarily to another person. Sometimes it is another version of oneself.
For instance, a middle-aged professional who feels invisible suddenly feels interesting again. A caregiver who feels exhausted suddenly feels appreciated again. A retiree who feels forgotten suddenly feels desirable again.
Viewed through this lens, some affairs involve less pursuit of another individual and more pursuit of a forgotten identity. The relationship becomes powerful partly because it restores something the individual feels they have lost.
This perspective, of course, does not make the behavior harmless. However, it may help explain why otherwise rational individuals occasionally make decisions that surprise even themselves.
Midlife, Aging, and the Search for Validation
This pattern appears during major life transitions, including midlife, retirement, bereavement, divorce, career changes, and children leaving home.
Such events raise uncomfortable questions, such as: Am I still attractive? Do I still matter? Have I become invisible? Can I still inspire desire? At such moments, attention from another person can feel extraordinarily powerful.
As someone now enjoying the golden years, I sometimes smile when younger people assume these questions disappear with age. Biology appears to have missed that memo entirely. The desire to feel valued, appreciated, attractive, and emotionally significant remains remarkably resilient throughout life.
Fidelity as a Psychological Achievement
Perhaps the key lesson relationship science has taught me is that fidelity is not simply a moral achievement. It is generally a psychological achievement.
It requires self-awareness, emotional honesty, communication, humility, emotional regulation, and a willingness to understand one’s own vulnerabilities.
Most people spend considerable time studying other people, yet far fewer spend time studying themselves. However, the greatest protection against poor decisions may not come from understanding temptation, but from understanding the conditions under which we ourselves become vulnerable to it.
Recognizing those vulnerabilities does not weaken relationships. It strengthens them. And perhaps that is one of the valuable lessons neuroscience and psychology can offer.
Understanding human behavior goes beyond excusing it. In my opinion, it involves learning from it so that we can build healthier relationships, create stronger connections, and make wiser decisions.
Here you got it. These are my thoughts about infidelity, now over to you! How about you? I invite you to share your thoughts, too, and help fill in the gaps in my story.
If you missed the previous stories from my sexual health education series, here are the links for easy access. You can earmark them to enjoy later and boost your sexual health knowledge and wisdom:
Sexual Health Is a Natural Part of Healthy Aging
What Most People Were Never Taught About Female and Male Orgasm
The Loneliness–Libido Connection for Men and Women
The Neurobiology of Sexual Pleasure and Meaningful Human Connection.
Neurocognitive and Affective Differences Between Erotic and Pornographic Stimuli in the Brain [Warning: This one is scholarly!]
What Science Reveals About Anal Pleasure and Orgasm for Both Women and Men [Free access via my community blogs]
Cheers, Mike!
Invitation to Join Me in This Series on Sexual Health
This work in my series is intended as educational guidance and does not replace professional medical advice. I encourage readers to consider their local context and seek support from qualified professionals where appropriate.
The conversation begins here, and you are warmly welcome in it. If you are a writer, I invite you to contribute to Health and Science publication’s Sexual Health series, which will be coordinated by my editorial team and me. Here is a sample blog post that I shared recently.
I also plan to curate these stories on my Substack publication (Health & Science Research by Dr Michael Broadly) and guest blog on the Digitalmehmet community blogs. If my time allows, I might also compile a book with the content of my series to reach a broader audience.
You can find the submission guidelines for the ILLUMINATION Integrated Publications from the following links:
ILLUMINATION, Curated Newsletters, SYNERGY (Newsletter Booster), Technology Hits, Health and Science,ILLUMINATION Book Chapters, Readers Hope, ILLUMINATION Gaming,Videos/Podcasts, Magnetic Newsletter Pro, Substack Mastery Boost, ILLUMINATION Scholar (NEW), ILLUMINATION Local News and Documentaries (NEW), ILLUMINATION Retirement, Aging, and Legacy (NEW), ILLUMINATION Philosophy and Metaphysics (NEW), ILLUMINATION for India (NEW)
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About Me
I’m a retired healthcare scientist in my late-70s. I have several grandkids who keep me going and inspire me to write on this platform. I am also the chief editor of the Health and Science publication on Medium.com. As a giveback activity, I volunteered as an editor and content curator for Illumination publications, supporting many new writers. I will be happy to read, publish, and promote your stories. You may connect with me on LinkedIn, Twitter, and Facebook, where I share stories I read. You may subscribe to my account to get my stories in your inbox when I post. You can also find my distilled content on Substack: Health Science Research by Dr Mike Broadly.
Here is my latest curated collection: Mike’s Favorite Stories on ILLUMINATION Publications — #277
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