I Explain Why We Fantasize About People We Would Never Sleep With
A Scholarly Yet Simplified Sexual Health Series
Curator’s Note: The article, written by Dr Michael Broadly, explores the nature of sexual fantasies, particularly those involving individuals one would never sleep with. It argues that such fantasies are not expressions of actual desires or intentions but rather complex mental simulations generated by the brain. The piece emphasizes that sexual fantasy involves elements of novelty, emotion, and imagination, allowing individuals to explore their thoughts without the need for action. It distinguishes between wanting and liking, highlighting that fantasies often serve as a safe space for psychological experimentation. Conclusively, it posits that these fantasies do not reflect moral failings or relationship issues but are simply manifestations of the brain’s imaginative capabilities. He explained the purpose of his sexual health series in a story on Medium before.
The science of sexual fantasy, desire, imagination, and the brain’s rather cheeky private cinema: Why Does Novelty in the Brain Make Sex So Exciting?
Have you ever had a sexual fantasy involving someone you would never actually sleep with? Perhaps a celebrity, an old flame, a stranger you’ve never spoken to, someone who is completely inappropriate. Or, heaven forbid, someone who would make your carefully organized life considerably more complicated.
If so, congratulations. You appear to possess a human brain. And your brain, as it turns out, is not particularly interested in asking your permission before opening the erotic cinema. But here’s the fascinating question: If a fantasy doesn’t necessarily represent an intention, what exactly is the brain doing when it creates one?
That question takes us somewhere considerably more interesting than the usual advice-column discussion about whether fantasies are “normal.” Because sexual fantasy isn’t simply about sex, it sits at the intersection of neurobiology, motivation, memory, emotion, imagination, attachment, reward, personality, and social experience.
And most importantly, a fantasy isn’t automatically an intention. The brain is perfectly capable of generating an elaborate erotic simulation without issuing the conscious mind a travel itinerary. In plain English: your imagination can go places where you have absolutely no intention of going.
Yep, your brain can book the hotel, arrange the lighting and rehearse the scene while the sensible part of you is sitting there saying, “Mate, we’re not actually doing this.”
Firstly, fantasy is not a personal confession.
One of the biggest misconceptions about sexual fantasy is that it reveals what somebody secretly wants to do. That sounds plausible. It is also scientifically much too simplistic.
Research on sexual fantasies suggests that there is considerable variation in fantasy content, and that many fantasies people consider unusual are surprisingly common. More importantly, researchers caution against assuming that fantasy content necessarily represents a person’s real-world desires, intentions, or behavior.
In other words: Thinking about something isn’t the same as wanting to do it. And wanting something isn’t necessarily the same as doing it.
Psychologists have long known that thoughts, impulses, intentions, and behaviors are related but not identical. Your brain can simulate a possibility without issuing a purchase order.
This is an important distinction because otherwise we would have to conclude that everybody who has ever imagined punching their boss is secretly planning a workplace revolution. Thankfully, most of us merely imagine it during particularly enthusiastic staff meetings.
Welcome to the brain’s private cinema
The human brain is extraordinarily good at simulation. We mentally rehearse conversations before having them. We imagine holidays before booking them. We picture what might happen if we make a particular decision. We remember the past and recombine elements of it into possible futures.
Sexual fantasy appears to make use of some of these broader imaginative and motivational capacities. The brain doesn’t need an actual sexual encounter to generate a representation of one. It can draw upon memories, sensations, emotions, people, places, narratives and possibilities and assemble them into something that feels subjectively vivid.
In effect, the brain has its own private cinema. The remarkable thing is that admission is free. And the projectionist occasionally ignores the programming schedule.
Your brain doesn’t have a single “lust button”
Popular neuroscience, especially on social media, loves assigning complex human experiences to tiny bits of the brain. For instance: “This region causes desire.” “That chemical produces pleasure.” “Press here for romance.” If only human sexuality were that cooperative.
Neuroscientific research, instead, points to distributed networks involving regions associated with motivation, reward, emotion, attention, bodily awareness, memory, and executive control.
Among the structures implicated in sexual motivation and arousal are the hypothalamus, amygdala, striatum and cortical regions including the anterior cingulate and orbitofrontal cortex.
But researchers also caution that sexual desire and sexual arousal are not always experimentally separable, and the underlying neural processes are considerably more complicated than the popular “one brain region equals one behavior” story suggests.
That complexity is important. Sexuality isn’t produced by one switch. It’s more like an orchestra. And occasionally, several sections start playing different songs.
Wanting isn’t the same as liking.
One of the most useful concepts from modern neuroscience is the distinction between wanting and liking. They overlap, but they aren’t identical.
“Wanting” refers broadly to motivational processes that make something attractive or worth pursuing. “Liking” concerns the pleasurable experience associated with it.
The distinction becomes particularly interesting in sexual behavior because the brain can assign motivational significance to something without that automatically translating into a conscious decision to pursue it.
This helps explain why a person can find a particular idea intensely stimulating while having absolutely no intention of making it part of their real life.
The fantasy may be psychologically rewarding precisely because it remains a fantasy. Reality, after all, comes with paperwork. Fantasy doesn’t.
Why does novelty have such power?
Now we arrive at one of the more interesting ingredients in erotic imagination: novelty.
The brain is highly responsive to new and unexpected information. Novelty can increase attention, curiosity, and motivational engagement. And sexual fantasy gives the imagination an almost unlimited supply.
A familiar relationship can remain deeply satisfying while the imagination introduces novelty that real life doesn’t necessarily provide. It could be a new person, a different setting, a different narrative, or a different version of yourself.
None of this automatically means that someone wants to abandon their partner or turn their life upside down. The imagination can explore novelty without requiring the body to follow it. That’s one of its great advantages.
You can visit Paris without booking a flight. You can imagine skydiving without jumping out of a perfectly serviceable aircraft. And apparently you can imagine sleeping with someone without wanting to explain the situation to your spouse afterward. The brain is economical like that.
Why do people fantasize about things they would never do?
This is where psychology becomes particularly fascinating. A fantasy may contain elements of novelty, curiosity, power, surrender, validation, intimacy, excitement, taboo, escape or emotional connection. But the literal storyline may not be the psychologically important part.
Suppose someone fantasizes about being irresistibly desired. The underlying attraction might not be the particular person appearing in the fantasy. It might be the feeling of being wanted.
Someone else may fantasize about novelty. Another about surrendering control. Another about emotional intimacy. Another about being admired. Another may simply enjoy the imaginative stimulation of something different.
The human mind is perfectly capable of using one story to explore another psychological experience. This is why simplistic interpretations such as: “You fantasized about X, therefore you secretly want X.” can be so misleading.
A fantasy isn’t necessarily a coded confession waiting for a sufficiently determined psychologist to crack the password. Sometimes a fantasy is simply a fantasy.
But what about the “weird” fantasies?
This is where many people become unnecessarily anxious. They think: “Surely nobody else thinks about this.”
Research suggests otherwise. Sexual fantasies are remarkably diverse, and things people privately regard as unusual can be considerably more common than they imagine. That doesn’t mean every fantasy is harmless in every circumstance.
There is an important clinical distinction between having a thought or fantasy and experiencing persistent distress, impaired functioning, inability to control behavior, or acting in ways that violate another person’s consent or rights.
Clinicians therefore need to distinguish between variation in fantasy and genuine psychological or behavioral problems. That distinction protects people from two opposite mistakes.
The first is pathologizing normal human imagination. The second is pretending that harmful behavior is acceptable simply because it began as a fantasy. Those are very different things.
Fantasy and relationships: an unexpected twist
Here’s where the story becomes even more interesting.
Sexual fantasy isn’t necessarily something that competes with a relationship. In some circumstances, fantasies involving one’s partner have been associated with increased sexual desire and relationship-promoting behavior. That makes intuitive sense.
Our imagination doesn’t operate independently of attachment. A partner can become part of the erotic imagination not simply because we find them physically attractive, but because they are connected with affection, familiarity, trust, memories and emotional meaning.
In other words, the brain doesn’t necessarily have separate departments labeled: LOVE and SEX with a receptionist standing between them. The systems overlap. They interact. And sometimes they argue about the paperwork.
Can fantasy actually change desire?
Emerging research suggests that actively engaging with sexual fantasy may influence sexual desire and sexual wellbeing, although the evidence remains preliminary and should not be inflated beyond what the studies actually demonstrate.
A recent small randomized controlled trial reported improvements in sexual desire and pleasure, along with reductions in sexual distress and sexual worries, after a four-week structured fantasy intervention.
Interesting? Absolutely. Definitive proof that fantasy is a new miracle treatment? Not remotely. The sample was small, and larger and longer-term studies are needed. This is precisely where good science differs from internet wellness culture.
We can say: “This is promising.” without announcing: “Scientists have solved sex.” If they ever do, I’ll happily volunteer for the press conference.
The difference between imagination and intention
Perhaps this is the most important lesson of all.
A sexual fantasy can be: imagined without being desired, desired without being intended, intended without being acted upon, and, of course, acted upon only with the freely given consent of everyone involved.
Those distinctions may sound obvious. But psychologically they are enormously important. We are not simply our thoughts. Nor are we our impulses.
Human behavior happens from the interaction among motivation, emotion, cognition, values, circumstances, and self-regulation. That is one of the things that makes us human. The brain generates possibilities. The person decides what to do with them.
So what is your fantasy actually telling you?
Perhaps less than you think. And perhaps more. It may tell you something about what your imagination finds novel, emotionally meaningful, stimulating or intriguing.
It may reveal a desire for intimacy, validation, excitement, novelty, or escape. It may simply be an entertaining mental experiment. Or it may mean absolutely nothing beyond the fact that the human brain is extraordinarily imaginative.
The mistake is assuming that every fantasy requires an interpretation. Sometimes the brain is exploring. Sometimes it is remembering. Sometimes it is recombining fragments of experience. Sometimes it is seeking stimulation.
And sometimes, frankly, the brain appears to have wandered into the back paddock without leaving a note.
Conclusions: The brain’s erotic imagination is not a moral referendum as fantasy is the brain’s laboratory
We should stop treating sexual fantasies as evidence for the prosecution. Having a fantasy doesn’t automatically make somebody unfaithful. It doesn’t automatically mean they are dissatisfied with their partner. It doesn’t automatically reveal a hidden desire to act. And it certainly doesn’t make them morally defective.
What matters is what happens outside the imagination. Do we respect our partner? Do we respect consent? Do we maintain our boundaries? Do our behaviors align with our values? Are we distressed by our thoughts? Are they interfering with our lives?
Those are much more meaningful questions than whether the brain occasionally produces unexpected erotic theatre.
We tend to think of imagination as something fluffy and artistic. But the brain uses imagination for something much more fundamental: simulation.
It allows us to explore possibilities without acting on them immediately. That makes sexual fantasy particularly intriguing. It gives the brain a relatively consequence-free environment in which to experiment with novelty, emotion, identity, attraction and possibility.
Not every imagined possibility needs to become a real one. Indeed, perhaps that’s precisely why imagination is useful.
So if you’ve ever wondered why your brain can produce a fantasy involving somebody you would never actually sleep with, the answer may be considerably less scandalous than you imagined.
Your brain isn’t necessarily plotting against your relationship. It may simply be doing what brains do extraordinarily well: imagining possibilities. And the most important lesson is this: A fantasy is not a promise, a confession or a command. It is an experience generated by the mind.
What we choose to do with that experience is where intention, values, consent and human judgment enter the story. The brain may write the screenplay. We still get to decide whether to produce the bloody movie.
If you missed the previous stories from my sexual health education series, here are the links for easy access. You can earmark them to enjoy later and boost your sexual health knowledge and wisdom:
Sexual Health Is a Natural Part of Healthy Aging
What Most People Were Never Taught About Female and Male Orgasm
When Your Libido Says “Come Here” and Your Partner Says “Not Tonight”
Why Good People Sometimes Cheat on Their Partners
The Loneliness–Libido Connection for Men and Women
The Neurobiology of Sexual Pleasure and Meaningful Human Connection.
What Most People Were Never Taught About Sexual Confidence
Neurocognitive and Affective Differences Between Erotic and Pornographic Stimuli in the Brain [Warning: This one is scholarly!]
What Science Reveals About Anal Pleasure and Orgasm for Both Women and Men [Free access via my community blogs and it went viral]
Cheers, Mike!
Invitation to Join Me in This Series on Sexual Health
This work in my series is intended as educational guidance and does not replace professional medical advice. I encourage readers to consider their local context and seek support from qualified professionals where appropriate.
The conversation begins here, and you are warmly welcome in it. If you are a writer, I invite you to contribute to Health and Science publication’s Sexual Health series, which will be coordinated by my editorial team and me. Here is a sample blog post that I shared recently.
I also plan to curate these stories on my Substack publication (Health & Science Research by Dr Michael Broadly) and guest blog on the Digitalmehmet community blogs. If my time allows, I might also compile a book with the content of my series to reach a broader audience.
You can find the submission guidelines for the ILLUMINATION Integrated Publications from the following links:
ILLUMINATION, Curated Newsletters, SYNERGY (Newsletter Booster), Technology Hits, Health and Science,ILLUMINATION Book Chapters, Readers Hope, ILLUMINATION Gaming,Videos/Podcasts, Magnetic Newsletter Pro, Substack Mastery Boost, ILLUMINATION Scholar (NEW), ILLUMINATION Local News and Documentaries (NEW), ILLUMINATION Retirement, Aging, and Legacy (NEW), ILLUMINATION Philosophy and Metaphysics (NEW), ILLUMINATION for India (NEW)
Thank you for reading my stories and joining our publications.
About Me
I’m a retired healthcare scientist in my late-70s. I have several grandkids who keep me going and inspire me to write on this platform. I am also the chief editor of the Health and Science publication on Medium.com. As a giveback activity, I volunteered as an editor and content curator for Illumination publications, supporting many new writers. I will be happy to read, publish, and promote your stories. You may connect with me on LinkedIn, Twitter, and Facebook, where I share stories I read. You may subscribe to my account to get my stories in your inbox when I post. You can also find my distilled content on Substack: Health Science Research by Dr Mike Broadly.
Here is my latest curated collection: Mike’s Favorite Stories on ILLUMINATION Publications — #277
Reference: What Happens When Your Partner Does’t Want to Have Sex — The Digitalmehmet Content Ecosystem
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