Five Inarguably Unpleasant Facts For a Successful Relationship
You‘ll have to be bold even if you’re not.
Photo by Adam Kontor from Pexels
A relationship is a home for our soul. It’s our resting oasis and a place when we can be “naked.” I wouldn’t take any less than that.
It took me a couple of years to finally reach this point, which I’ve never imagined before. It’s total annihilation for my old self.
Wanting to always feels good is human nature; I get that. Doing so also means that we’re in an illusion because we don’t see the whole picture.
The relationship’s main ingredients are emotions and feelings. Those are always fluctuated from happy, sad, vulnerable, crazy AF, anxiety, don’t really know what I feel, stuckness, boredom, hate, etc.Emotions and feelings are the heart of every healthy and meaningful relationship. Without a healthy emotional life, a relationship is not a relationship. It is a social arrangement.
— Teal Swan —
Most couples don’t address their “negative” emotions — they don’t wanna talk about it because they don’t want to feel vulnerable. And so, they shove it down maybe with sex or any activity.
That is why I’ve seen many miserable marriages.
Sacrifices, obligations, resentment, and total abandonment of our authentic self are the main themes.
So many lived only in the denial mode. The auto-pilot couples who stay in the same lane decades after decades. No changes, No heart to heart communication, no sparks, no break-through, no failure (meaning no trying anything new for a long time), no adventure, etc.
Deep inside, they felt empty and lost. They wrapped it in a flowery paper, put a bow on top, and smile as if this is “normal” because everybody is doing the same thing.
Through my 13 years of marriage life, I felt suffocated, anxious, and stuttered most of the time. I’ve never experience stuttering before that. It happened when I felt like I’m not good enough and trying to prove and defend myself. My mind was racing and stumbling with my words.
Yeah, it was one of those moments. But now, I am grateful for my unsuccessful marriage — and I’m proud of who I am now. Woo Hoo!
Marriage should be the union of two souls infused with love, growth, fun, and freedom. It should not be a burden.
By having this awareness below, you are already taking the first step. We all deserve a better life—a better connection.
1. Your Partner Should Be the Second Most Important.
The number one should always be you. Yes, You!
It’s crucial to know yourself very well before jumping in into a relationship.
Love yourself first before loving others — it’s not selfish. People who say the contrary are the ones who haven’t fully loved themselves and who are jealous of your bravery.
Be unapologetically YOU, even if it’s making others uncomfortable because of your confidence. I used to shrink down myself because others feel intimidated.
When you are belittling yourself because you don’t want to hurt others, you’re already hurting yourself.
Let others adjust with you, let the one who can’t level up drift away. Be the truest, highest version of yourself, and you’ll have no regret whatsoever.
Most folks focus on their partner too much, prioritizing them over anything without checking in with themselves. This is an imbalanced scale that can lead to massive disconnection. Always choose yourself first. And then take action from the over-flowing love.By Pixabay from Pexels
2. Our Partner’s Happiness Is Not Our Responsibility.
Her happiness is not my responsibility. She should be happy and I should be happy individually. Then we come together and share our happiness. Giving someone a responsibility to make you happy when you can’t do it for yourself is selfish — Will Smith
The phrase “you can’t pour from an empty cup” is not cliche. It is the truth. How can you make someone happy if you can’t even make yourself happy?
Do something because you want to do it, not because you aimed to make them happy. If you do something because you want to make someone happy and not because you want to do it, usually when your partner doesn’t meet your expectation, you will get angry.
Well, it is something like this,“ How dare you behave like this, don’t you see the things that I did for you?”
It doesn’t sound loving because the source is not from love.
Do it from Love and not for Love.
Once again, their happiness is not your responsibility. You can support them in finding their own happiness. You can inspire them by being the example of a loving soul, but it’s their job to be happy individually first.
3. Are We Compatible With Each Other?
A relationship is about compatibility — and contemplating together is a sign of maturity. It will be uncomfortable, but it’s always worthwhile.
Signs of compatibility:
* Be able to communicate without words.
* Share the same core beliefs.
* Enjoying spending time apart.
* Love healthy arguing and disagreeing.
* Feeling free and at home at the same time.
* Focusing on growth and equanimity.
* Both are authentic, honest, and vulnerable.
* Love to try a new, quirky, and challenging thing.
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels
4. Discovering What Traits From Childhood That Each Is Still Carrying and Projecting
Imagine we have a beautiful house that we’re always dreaming of. Everything is perfect except for the creepy basement that haunted us. We can’t sleep well at night because the basement makes a noisy sound.
The basement is a metaphor for our unconscious mind, old habits, childhood trauma, fragmented self, limitation, fear, etc.
Not everybody has the gut to do this. This is not for the faint-hearted, but it’s the key to a conscious and joyful life.
Everything started in childhood — the trauma and pain from childhood are always gonna be there no matter how old we are. Whether you choose it or not, you’ll have to deal with your own trauma sooner or later.
I know it sucks. I used to delay it, suppress it, distract myself until it can no longer be ignored. This is a marathon, be patient and kind to yourself.
Start by observing your emotions, feelings, and triggers. They are the messenger for our wounds/trauma — also the gate of our unconsciousness.
Doing the inner-child healing can be an option. The more we healed, the transparent and real our relationship can be.
5. Pay Attention to Every Little Thing They Do
Usually, we abandon these little red flags because we think it’s a small thing that doesn’t make a big deal. These little things can be the messenger of what is hidden in our subconscious mind.
It’s not comfortable to question these things. But if you want a deep and fulfilling relationship, you have to be willing to open and talk about this.
* How do they react when others oppose their belief?
* How do they drive in an inconvenient situation? This tells a lot.
* How do they behave around animals/children when they’re unhappy?
* How do they spend money?
* How do they react to their attachment like cigarettes, alcohol, or gadget?
It’s uncomfortable to express your own thoughts and feelings. It may also be uncomfortable to hear the truth of someone else’s current thoughts and feelings.But those thoughts and feelings should never be suppressed. The only way that anyone can be in a real relationship is if those current truths are out on the table.Otherwise, we can not really love the person we think we love, because we don’t even see the truth of who they are at this moment. We are in essence, in love with an illusion.We are in essence, asking people to love an illusion of ourselves unless we are willing to be vulnerable and open enough to show them the truth of who we are in this moment.— Teal Swan —
Honesty and vulnerability are the souls of a relationship.
It is an indicator of spiritual maturity. If you can’t communicate well, then the relationship needs to undergo some evaluation.
Be willing to feel uncomfortable, be willing to feel unpleasant emotions.
The comfort zone is not the place you want to be.
Are you willing to?
Five Inarguably Unpleasant Facts for a Successful Relationship was originally published in ILLUMINATION on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.